they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
