i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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