i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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