I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
