last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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