I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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