The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
