Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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