Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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