I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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