I just made out with a guy for $7.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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