also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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