Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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