Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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