I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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