In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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