Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
