Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize