I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just had sex on a roof
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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