I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
