What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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