He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
