You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
