tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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