Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize