I just threw up on my dentist
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
