Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
