I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize