i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
