i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
