Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
