I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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