I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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