I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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