At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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