do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
