I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
