So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
