I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize