I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
