Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
