I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Floor bacon is actually really good
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
