When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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