the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Randomize
