Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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