I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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