i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
