dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize