she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
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