Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
