I'm so fucking centered right now
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
