Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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