u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
