We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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