Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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