You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
